Origino
The Creation
In the beginning, there was One Being, and all was good. This Being then said "I'm bored." So, with the tip of its fedora, it created everything. It morphed into 4 parts. The first piece went to become a new being named God, and it was good. The second, named itself Satan, and it was bad. The third and fourth pieces morphed together, to create a being called Kai, and he was dank. With the tip of His fedora, Kai made all of humanity. He made the humans. He made the plants. He made the birds of the sky. He made the animals of the sea. Kai could morph into any of these creatures, just in case. Kai then found that the smart earthlings would soon come to fly around the galaxy, and might find themselves lonely. So, he took His fedora, and within one flip, he had made alien life. Not only had Kai made these creatures, but Kai was these creatures. Kai was everything.
The Beginning of The End
The first humans put on this planet were named Spicy and Meme. They lived in the land of Kaia. There was a tree. It had Holy Apples. For some odd reason, they weren't allowed to stick pens in these fruits. Kai knows all. Have mercy. Bless us. Then, they stuck their pens in the apples and "Boom" Apple Pen! The world was made. There were about 7 billion people who were outcasts and spilled out of the group of Kaiites. The Kaiites went to form Kaia, the wonderful country in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. We think it was a small island. The Kaiites were blessed.
Kai's Prehistoric Form
Kai saw that the birds of the sky were becoming an annoyance to not only him but the people of the land, so he morphed into a Leader Bird who was named Euphranor, of the Most Holy Sky Creatures. He told the birds of the sky how to hunt off of the People of the Earth, by picking up any food scraps that they drop.
The First Arrival
The arrival of Euphranor was important to the birds. They decided to make a marking of dung. This was later dug up by the humans, and they were disgusted. Kai, on the other hand, glorified these most holy droppings.
Euphranor's First Miracle
Euphranor went and found a bird by the name of Horatio. He was having trouble flying. Our saviour Euphranor went to find him, and told him that "He must flappeth of his wings to achieve flight." Later that nanosecond, Horatio was the fastest flying bird.
Euphranor's Second Miracle
Euphranor went and found another bird by the name of Giacomo. She was having trouble laying eggs. Euphranor, being the kindest of gods, decided to bless Giacomo with fertility, and then Giacomo was the sexiest in the sky.
Arrival of God
God, the one created by Euphranor, was soaring through the vast desert known as Space. Euphranor saw that the emptiness was not good. It was bad. Euphranor being the nicest bird around asked Horatio and Giacomo to come forth and giveth their lives for the better of heaven. The two Holy Birds flew up and turned into a giant red aura and shot up into the sky.
Euphranor's Death
Euphranor was walking in the sky and found himself in the presence of darkness. He looked to the left, nothing; he looked to the right, nothing. But behind of him, he found a bird filled with pure darkness, who was named Gaultier. He found Euphranor and threw him down to the ground. This was the end of Euphranor.
Kai's Ancient Form
After Euphranor's death, it was found that the heavens were created. So in the end, Euphranor sacrificed himself for the creation of the heavens. Kai went into a deep slumber. God and Satan ruled the earth equally. Later that million year period, Kai was awoken by a big noise. He said, "Whereth doeseth theeth soundeth cometh frometh?" So Kai was relieved to know that he was in doom, again. The plants of the world were being roasted. Leafy is here.
Tabitha and Karpos
Kai met a girl (we hope), who was named Tabitha. They spent the night together, and then Karpos was born. Kai didn't see Tabitha for a long time. Karpos was 5"3 within 9 years. Karpos was going to be tall. He grew to a whopping 5 foot 3 and a half and was done. It was good. But then, Kai remembered about the crisis on earth, and he went on to save it. He asked his son to go and find the human girl named Tabitha.
What does Karpos do?
Nothing.
Kai's Wrath
Kai found that the evil Karpos was actually Gaultier the Evil from the skies. Murdered by his own son. Oops!
Birth of Iohell
Kai was forgetting about the second issue at hand! The whole world dying in a fiery pit of doom! Kai found this random plant and took his body. His new name was Iohell.
Iohell's Career
Iohell was told by a plant of the name Varnava to go and build stuff. So Iohell became the lead construction worker for the Varnava Corporation. Iohell was paid 1000 beams of sunlight as an annual celery. He was so rich. He was becoming famous.
The Second Holy Child
Due to the previous failure, Iohell decided that it might be wise of him to get himself a new child, who would populate the world with dankness. He suddenly became pregnant. He gave birth to a boy named Anas. He was going to be a good child.
The Warning of Floods
Because of the florist friars, Kai decided to flood the Earth. It down poured 1738 gallons of water in 21 microseconds. The only two to survive were Anas and Meme.
Lojantaro
The Sons of Anas
Anas and Meme, being the only two humans left on earth, decided to create 11 children. They were named Spicy Jr., Anas Jr., Meme Jr., Kolorigilo, Apple Pen=DEATH, Tobiah, Jehu, Ingi, Lazar, Esperidion, and Virginius.
The Sons of Anas Jr.
Anas Jr. and his wife had 4 children. They were named Sinta, Chinwhendu, Hrafin, and Do-Yun.
The Sons of Spicy Jr.
Spicy Jr. and his wife had 3 children. They were named Flidhilmdid. Matthaois, and Fay Chen.
The Sons of Kolorigilo
Kolorigilo had 6 sons named Dung, Loukas, Spartak, Billy, Iolo, and Laios.
Sons of Apple Pen=DEATH
Apple Pen=DEATH had 2 sons named Ebbe and Leofsige.
Sons of Tobiah
Tobiah had 2 sons named Julen and Lyosh.
Sons of Jehu
Jehu had 6 sons named Ganes, Lin, Ames, Qusay, Singh, and Tyreeque.
Sons of Ingi
Ingi had 7 sons named Shukri, Gothiff, Seve, Gerald, Nechtan, Yan, and Birgir.
Sons of Lazar
Lazar had 2 sons named Sigihiri and Treasach.
Sons of Esperidion
Esperidion had 3 sons named Maninder, Eustachys, and Gervasio.
Sons of Virginius
Virginius was a forever virgin, he had no sons.
6 Countries of the Region of Kaia
The six regions of Kaia are as follows: Tobiah and his sons and his sons' sons became the Tobiahnites, Jehu and his sons and his sons' sons became the Jehites, Ingu and his sons, and do his sons' sons became the Ingites, Lazar and his sons and his sons' sons became the Lazarites, Esperidion and his sons and his sons ' sons became the Esperidionites, and Virginius and his sons and his sons' sons became Virgins.
Death Threats
In the middle of his sleep, Kolorigilo, Son of Anas, was woken by a stranger at his bedside. The stranger said "This is a warning, please be aware that the death of the first 5 sons will be inevitable. Do what you can while you can." And with that, Kolorigilo rushed to tell his other 4 brothers who would be affected.
The Death of Kolorigilo
While walking down the path to the homestead of his first brother's, Kolorigilo found a random stranger wielding a pencil. This stranger said "I am Karpos, of great evil. I am your uncle. Praise me or you will perish." Kolorigilo found no agreement in Karpos' plans, so he perished right there.
The Death of the First 3 Sons
The homestead of Anas was holding 5 people, Meme, Anas, Anas Jr., Meme Jr., and Spicy Jr. The 3 sons were murdered in their sleep. Anas and Meme awoke to find their sons dead in bed.
The Final Death
Apple pen=DEATH suddenly fell ill and died later that day.
Anas's Revenge
Anas decided to get revenge on his brother. It was a last minute decision. Anas went to Karpos and burnt him on a steak with a steak. A white colourless mist flowed up into the sky and crashed back down into the ground. Karpos was assumed dead.
Iohell Speaks to Anas
Iohell, seeing that Anas was turning to the evil side, as he was punishing Karpos to death, decided to speak to him. Iohell told the people, including Anas, the First Commandment
The First Commandment
Iohell said, "My people, you are not to commit murder, no matter the circumstances, as anger is not good, I am your Lord."
Anas Takes Action
Anas decided that the murder of his brother Karpos was not proper, so therefore he took the life of his wife, and Karpos was reborn from the dead.
Arbaro
Iohell's First Miracle
Iohell found a densely-packed bush, who was named Salih, and he said to him "I see you are very densely packed." To which Salih replied, "I am, but who are you to be wondering?" Iohell responded, "I am Kai, the creator, the highest, above those whom you call God, above all, above you, fear me." Salih said, "If you are Kai, then you must prove yourself by taking that rock over there and lighting fire to it." So, Kai said, "I am Kai, the creator, the highest, above those whom you call God, above all, above you, fear me." Salih said, "Yes, my lord and creator." Then, Salih's bush was less dense.
Iohell's Second Miracle
Iohell found a lightly-packed tree, who wanted to be more densely packed. His name was Limbikani. Iohell said to Limbikani, "I will make you denser, and so with the tip of his fedora, he added density to the leaves of Limbikani.
Sacrifice of Salih and Limbikani
Salih and Lambikani came to Iohell and said: "I see that satan has no domain." So they both were destroyed, and a giant green aura shot up into the depths of the earth. This created Hell.
Iohell's Travels
Iohell traveled for 69 days and 69 nights to reach the land of the Jehites, where he said unto Jehu "You are my grandchild Jehu, make your way to the vineyard of Blandus, and ask of him, 'Who are you to defy the plants of your vineyard?' and if he does not free his plants, then you shall kick him from the land of the Jehites."
Jehu's Goodness
Jehu went to the vineyard of Blandus and said onto Blandus himself, "Who are you to defy the plants of your vineyard, for they are your brothers, they have DNA." Blandus said, "I shall leave this land and make my own land, my people named the Blandites, and I shall be your everlasting rival." And as it was said, such was done. The new Blandites found their spot in the holy places of the Earth and started their corruption. They founded their own religion called Judaism, which was the belief that this guy named Hitler was a mean person. Kai says "No man shall be a mean person" so therefore, the Blandites were outcasts.
The Directoria
Iohell's First Request
Iohell said unto Jehu, "Go into your office and write on a stone tablet '1. The Being tells us that all of us were created by one being, who can be referred to as The Creator.' You shall title this tablet 'DIRECTORIA'. You shall pass this document down through your generations, only of the good, as I have passed these soon to be found ideas down to Anas, your father, but not to Karpos, I have given it to you, and not to your other brothers who haven't respected me. Do as I say. Just do it.
Iohell's Death
Karpos went to Iohell and said, "See this magnesium match, I will burn you with it. " So, Iohell got roasted in an epic roast battle. Rad!
Adorado
The Religion
All of the religion that encompasses the true belief of The Creator shall be called Kaiism.
The People
The generic term for people who follow the statements and religion of Kaiism are called Kaiites.
The Land
The land mass that encompasses the area where the Kaiites live is called Kaia.
The Place of Worship
Kaiites spend their 1 day a week at the place of worship, which is called the Meeting Place.
The Holy Prayers
The Prayer to The Creator
"Oh Creator of all, of God, of Satan, of I, pray for us, help us to not stick pens inside of apples in the land of Kaia as my ancestors Spicy and Meme have done, help us to be alive during the next Great Flood, help us to perform miracles as Euphranor has done, help us to teach others as Iohell has done, help us to see the next phases of The Creator, help us to understand our creation."
Say this prayer every time you go to the Meeting Place.
The Prayer to Euphranor
"Oh Euphranor, creator of Heaven, the holiest of birds, bless me from above. Give me dankness, flight, and fertility."
You are to say this prayer every day that you go to the Meeting Place.
The Prayer to Iohell
"Oh Iohell, creator of Hell, the roots that bind the Earth together, bless me from beneath. Give me dankness, density, and the lightweight."
You are to say this prayer every day that you go to the Meeting Place.
Prayer to the Meeting Place
"This place of upmost holiness that I am found in, to learn, to seek guidance, to pray. I come here not only to be better off myself, but also for the goodness of The Creator, and of all of his forms, so that it may improve the religion. One Creator, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, One Creator."
You will say this prayer whenever entering or exiting the Meeting Place, whenever going to request the forgiveness of your evildoings, whenever a new Meeting Place is built, or whenever moving up in levels in Kaiism.
Prayer to Anas
"Anas is the son of The Creator, he shall be worshiped."
You will say this prayer every day that you go to the Meeting Place.
Prayer to Jehu
"Jehu, son of Anas, have mercy on us. We see the good you bring to the world, you shall be praised forever and ever."
You will say this prayer every time that you go to the Meeting Place.
The Holy Order
The Creator came to the Jehites and said "The following prayers shall be put together into one large string of prayer called The Holy Order. The prayers in The Holy Order are The Prayer to The Creator, The Prayer to Euphranor, The Prayer to Iohell, and The Prayer to the Meeting Place. You must pray the ever updated version of the Holy Order every night, prior to your sleep, and you will be a good man (or woman, but not other).
Anas Goes East
Anas was called upon by The Creator saying "Anas! Anas! I will rename you As! There is no need for the An part." And so as was said, was done. Anas was now called As. As was told by The Creator, "You will choose one your children, and all of the Selected children's children. And all of the generations after these grandchildren. You will start walking east until you find a bunch of people trying to slice you in half with swords, then you will be a land called North Korea. In the future, you might see a man called Kim Jung Un come into power, and that will be a catastrophic day. You are to gather all of your things for the next 2 days, and on the third, you will start on your voyage, and will never come back. You will make a land that follows your own name As, and they will be called Asians. They will live in Asia. They will make clothing for you, and most of them will be children." And as was told to him by god, As did. As started walking towards the East Sea. He found the rumored Korea that was being spoken of.
The Death of As
As went to the most eastern coast of the land, he found a boat. This boat had the words ingraved on it, saying, 'One Creator, who is Tskudki'. He screamed to the sky 'Who are these Koreans to worship the god Tskudki? They know they are wrong. Then, a man with a "Make America Great Again" hat came onto him. He said, "I am Tskudki, I am the Creator. You will either call be Buddha or die." As said, "I only worship The Creator, and am not a believer in this Buddha you speak of. I am going to die." And with that, As died. He fell to the floor at the age of one thousand seven hundred and thirty-eight years and sixty-nine days. This was the end of who came to be known as As.
Kredoj
Tskudki's Introduction
Tskudki went onto Jehu and said, my son, Kim Jung Il, will make a country called North Korea. His son will be mad at Donald Trump, president of the Murica. The Creator came onto Jehu and said, "Walk up to the ocean called the Pacific. You will find some random stick on the ground and will part the ocean. Remake the land bridge."
Land Bridge
So Jehu gathered all of the best architects and a couple sticks. He hired Al. Al was the first Korean to make a nuclear bomb, or in Korean, best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-japan. They secretly knew about this insane technology way prior to the Americans ever would. They had control of the world. If they wanted to destroy Mongolia, they could. If they wanted to decimate Russia, they could. Al gathered some sticks and started to rebuild the land bridge.
The Persuasion of Al to Kaiism
Al found this rock, and he said onto his spiritual god, Tskudki, "If you are truly my god, please make blood come from the stone." After several minutes, nothing happened. Then, Jehu came onto Al saying "Al, you are one of the best of all of the architects in the world. So I, my father As, and my grandfather who is The Creator, ask you to make a new realm for The Creator, unlike heaven, nor hell, nor earth. It shall be called the Space-Kaim." Al gladly accepted to become the architect of the Space-Kaim. He began the next day, ditching the whole Land Bridge idea.
Al's Name
The Creator came onto Al saying, "The name Al sounds very Korean. Please allow me to change your name to Archit." So as The Creator said was done. Al changed his name from Al to Archit. He became the main architect of Kaiism.
The Building of the Space-Kaim
Archit came to Jehu and got all of the specifications, and started on the building of the Space-Kaim. The Creator was very happy with this new and improved realm. The Creator thanked Archit by taking Archit's life, bringing him up to Space-Kaim. Archit sits the first man to be put in the Space-Kaim. The Creator called upon Jehu to come to the top of Mount Fiji, on the island of Japan.
The Seventh Request
The Creator said onto Jehu "Put this on The Directoria '7. Thou shalt respect your dead saints by calling them Saint followed by their name.'"
Kroniko de Jehu
Jehu in Pyongyang
I was told by The Creator to go to the Yongmyongsa Temple. There, would be the gateway from the Space-Kaim to the Earth. I did as The Creator asked.
Yongmyongsa
As I arrived to the inside of the Yongmyongsa, I saw a giant glowing beam of light, where there seemed to be a figure engulfed inside. The figure seemed to have fins, and a tail. It then became encased in some water sphere. I then realized that the Third Creator had come. The fish who had its body taken was named Vladislav, and therefore the name of this form of the creator was named Vladislav.
Vladislav's Entering the Yellow Sea
Vladislav saw me. He flopped up and told me to throw him into the Yellow Sea. That, I did. Vladislav swam off I wouldn't see him for a while.
Meeting of Vladislav
On the 22nd of December, I met up with Vladislav a second time. He had already completed 2 miracles.
Vladislav's First Miracle
Vladislav went onto a fish of the sea, asking "What were you named?" The fish responded "I am called Omri." "Omri," asked Vladislav, "would you please die for me on the 23rd of December?" Omri gladly agreed.
Vladislav's Second Miracle
Vladislav went onto another fish of the sea, asking "What were you named?" The fish responded "I am called Bongan." "Bongan," asked Vladislav, "would you please die for me on the 23rd of December?" Bongan gladly agreed.
The 23rd of December
On the 23rd of December, Omri, Bongan, Vladislav, and I went to the Yongmyongsa to watch the sacrifice. 2 of us wouldn't be returning. Omri and Bongan went to the sacrifice area and killed themselves. Omri and Bongan flew up into a blue aura and created the holiness of the temple of Yongmyongsa.
The Death of Vladislav
After seeing that all of the 3 builds were completed, Vladislav promptly died. Vladislav lived for 5 days.
Going Back to Iraq
Vladislav's last words were telling Jehu to start walking back to Iraq. The next day, Jehu gathered all of his belongings. The day subsequent to that, Jehu left Korea.
The Government in Iraq
The Creator went to Jehu saying, "You must start a government in the sovereign state of Iraq. You shall become a socialist autocracy. This means that all things are shared amongst all peoples, and that no one man has more power than another. " Jehu went to the land, and placed a giant loop around the Iraqi land. The Iraqis started to settle, starting in Baghdad, the country's capital. This is where Jehu lived, living in the Black House. He promised the Iraqi people that he would kick out all of the illegal white immigrants, that he was going to build a wall across who knows where. The people hated it, but because of illegal Russian hackers, he won. Jehu was the president of the Iraqi offices. This means that he was a non-biased opinion for all of his life who would do what the people want, and exactly what the people want, and that he would not have a say. Jehu built the Black House in Baghdad and started his reign. He met a girl named Banu. She and him would conceive. When Jehu came into her, this will come to be known as the Conception of Emil. 2 days after his conception, Banu bore Emil. During childbirth, Banu died. Emil grew up quickly, as if under a magic spell. He quickly went through puberty over the course of one year.
Emil's Children
Emil found a woman named Desislava. The two were perfect for each other. He went into her and conceived 7 children. The family of Emil and Desislava was 7: Aldebrand, Baggi, Miodrag, Prochoros, Lennon, Patroclus, and Darko. These were the children bore by Desislava, conceived by Emil.
Aldebrand's Children
Aldebrand had 4 children: Spartak, Dragomir, Matias, and Alban.
Baggi's Children
Baggi had 7 children: Bashkim, Tiitus, Volund, Tryphon, Yagmur, Roderiq, and Deodan.
Miodrag's Children
Miodrag had 2 children: Fabius and Meredith.
Phochoros's Children
Phochoros had 9 children: Ganzorig, Tu, Baladeva, Robert, Noor, Lufti, Kennet, Aias, and Sawney.
Lennon's Children
Lennon had 1 child: Kuro.
Patroclus's Children
Patroclus had 2 children: AEthelred and Vusal.
Darko's Children
Darko had 1 child: Snip-snap-doggo-not-a-woof-bork-one.
The Jehuian Trials of Dankness
The Jehuian Trials of Dankness are the trials that must be gone through in order to become a Kaiite. Damn Daniel, back at it again with the white vans. First one must kill a dank meme. This might prove difficult, but give it time, and the memes will disappear. If you pass this trial, you become rank Dank. Then you will become dank.
Tragic Deaths
Everyone dies. The Creator made a clone of the failed model of humans.
Abrupt Ending
This was the end of the historic history. After this point, was the ancient Egyptians, Mongolians, Napoleon Bonerparte, WW1, WW2, WWtrump… oh yeah that's the future… and then today you are reading some stupid book about fake gods. Maybe you need to get a better past time.